I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
