I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my being single is dangerous.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
