Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
