I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
