i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
