I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
