if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
