u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
