I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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