no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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