yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
