break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I wish I could punch you in the face.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
did i walk over a car last night?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
