I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
