You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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