So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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