she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
