My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
