I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
