Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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