He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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