I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Screwed.edu
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I think pants incapable of making pants work
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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