apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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