When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I'm always down for nudity.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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