I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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