I just found puke in my bra..
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
