carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
