I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
