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ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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