Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
