he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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