I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
