If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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