Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
