I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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