Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
