Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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