i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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