My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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