So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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