I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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