I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
