I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I take back everything I said about communal showers
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
