I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
