pop tarts are not kleenex
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
