Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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