I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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