Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
