Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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