Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
