I accidentally had phone sex last night
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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