i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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