After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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