There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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