i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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