Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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