k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
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It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
i want to swaddle you in tequila
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
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I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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