I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
