i need an iv and a liver transplant
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
