if only i could text you this smell
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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