i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
