YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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