Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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