There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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