tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I need mimosas to revive my soul
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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