i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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